Freezer Madness
by WorthlessFandomFeelings
Summary: "Use it, don't abuse it, don't let it snow" - stoner-adventure prompt-fulfilment trash


**So if you're here wondering why I haven't updated anything, this is why. Shit like this. I've been off writing other, better shit, and having a damn good time of it. Except this. This is terrible.**

**So here it is, from the roiling bowels of /frz/, the Frozen stoner oneshot nobody wanted. In this universe, weed is despised even in the 19th century, Lovecraft was born decades earlier and you can never trust any denomination of time ever, because everyone's fucking blazing it too hard.**

**Thanks to Desp for the name.**

* * *

><p>Had it been anyone but Elsa storming down the dark halls of the castle, they would have found the place resonated with hostility at night. There was a certain air of foreboding that seemed to seep from the very walls themselves. Many a guest had spent many a night cooped up in their rooms with full bladders out of general distaste for the willies.<p>

But this was Elsa's castle.

_Elsa's_ castle dammit.

Where she was almighty, where hers was the final word, where her will was law.

And where she shouldn't have had to be personally stomping about at all hours of the night making sure her younger sister wasn't off entertaining the scandalous dalliances Elsa had begun catching wind of.

She loved her sister, every bit as much as she'd admitted out on the fjord, but Heaven help her if she caught Anna off in some cupboard somewhere with that mountain man, smoking his eel outside of wedlock. It wasn't right, it wouldn't do. There were reputations to uphold.

Elsa rounded a corner, fuming. That Anna could be so...so foolish! A princess, kissing some commoner out in the streets? No doubt it had been the talk of the town for months. And now she was hearing, days late she suspected, that Anna was regularly 'missing' from her chambers at night. When she had told Anna not to marry men she had just met, she hadn't exactly been counting on the girl to take it as an invitation to go about 'meeting' men she hadn't married.

Elsa blamed herself, of course. She had been entirely missing from Anna's life, leaving the poor girl with no one to show her the ways of the world. No one to explain to her how to speak, how to eat, how to dress, how to not rub anything lower than elbows with one's peers. She had known it was coming, her heart surged with guilt at every singsong revelation of Anna's that had drifted through her window of how earnestly the young princess pined for some "beautiful stranger's" whistle and bells.

Well, no longer. Her curiosity having gotten the better of her, Elsa had indeed found Anna's chambers to be sorely lacking her presence. Not wanting to invite the staff to happen upon any scandalous behavior, she had immediately set about the castle herself. She combed through it methodically, searching every closet, room and cupboard, hell bent on her purpose. This princess was about to learn, in no forgiving terms, that the only things that were going to be opening around here were the gates.

And then she heard it. Giggling.

_Giggling_.

In _her_ castle. Elsa had to suppress a growl, whipping her head about to pinpoint the ungodly disturbance.

There. The unmistakable sound of hushed voices and giggles spilling gently out into the hall to her left, alongside the dim light that came from under the wooden door of a nearby closet.

The _closed_ wooden door of a nearby closet.

Love is a _what_ now, Anna?

Elsa strode confidently down the hall, ready to interrupt whatever sinful merrymaking was taking place. As she neared, the voices began to come clearer. It was definitely Anna, though who she was with was anyone's guess, as she seemed to be doing all the talking.

No surprise there.

Elsa could only imagine it was some form of pillow talk. Hopefully she wasn't too late. She neared the door, steeling herself for whatever scene she was to interrupt.

"-and so I'm sitting there listening to this guy talking like he hadn't just told me he's got twelve brothers, right?! Like if I was his mother I'd have _long_ since torn off his dad's-"

Elsa burst through the door. Two sets of eyes looked up at her guiltily, and she stared triumphantly back down.

Her eyes swept about the room to assess the damage. There were clothes, so that was a promising start. Better yet, those clothes were snugly attached to the two occupants, who were indeed Anna and Kristoff. They did not seem to be enjoying any form of embrace either, being seated cross-legged across from one another in the somewhat cramped space. Between them was one candle, which Elsa decided with a narrowing of her eyes, was still pushing it as far as romantic lighting went.

The silence stretched on.

Anna's lips were at a bottle of wine, hand frozen mid sip as two round saucers continued staring up at her. It was Elsa's wine. It was a good bottle. It was meant to be enjoyed from a good glass in a good room at the right temperature on a specific day of the year. It was not wine to be chugged like some degenerate lush.

More silence.

Elsa opened her mouth to speak, and that's when she caught sight of it. There, in her sister's other, trembling hand.

"Anna..." she began slowly, "are those...marijuanas?"

Wine erupted from Anna's nose, a decongestant worth its weight in gold. Elsa was forced to face her humiliation with a blush matching Anna's already red face. Even Kristoff tried to hide a snicker.

When Anna had finally regained herself, Elsa was back to fuming. "Anna!" She hissed, "what are you _thinking_?! Were you about to smoke the...the _devil's lettuce_ in a cupboard? While unescorted with some _man_ you barely know?! Do you know what this could do to us? To our reputation?!"

It was worse than she'd thought. Booze, pot and men. Anna had truly achieved a trifecta of degeneracy. Elsa should have sent maids in to make sure the girl hadn't grown up a chronic masturbator. Of all the crimes against the Almighty that could have led to this lifestyle, she was sure the culprit was the only thing an innocent young woman could get up to in the privacy of her own chambers.

"Oh come on Elsa," Anna whined, the hint of humor in her voice remaining, but tinged with faint embarrassment at the admonishment. "It's just a bit of fun, Kristoff was going to show me h-"

"And you!" Elsa raged, turning to the blond, "you who have come into my home without my knowledge, stolen about the castle with my sister like a common criminal and now you make to corrupt her mind with this...this green heresy!?"

"I uh...I can go, if you like? I was just here to make sure Anna was safe," Kristoff tried meekly, not exactly in a position to be defiant.

"You will refer to her as 'her highness'! But...yes," Elsa sighed, "I think it might be best if you left."

"Elsa, no-" Anna started, but Elsa cut her off.

"You and I are not finished, Anna. We are going to talk about these...these deviations of yours, before the whole country begins talking about them."

"Hey, that's not fair, you can't do that! So what I want to live a little, enjoy life a bit? Is that so bad?"

"You are a _princess_, Anna! You can't simply forgo appearances for the sake of a little fun."

Anna stood up, placing the wine and rolling papers on the ground in favor of butting heads with Elsa on more equal terms. "Well my 'appearances' might have gone a little more unnoticed if you weren't so keen on sniffing out every little toe I put out of line Elsa!"

"Uuh..." Kristoff mumbled from the side of the room, clearly being ignored, "I can leave any time you two want to clear the doorway..."

"You know, I thought finally having you out of your room was going to be _fun_!"Anna shouted, "I thought it was gonna go back to the way it was!"

Elsa snorted at that, crossing her arms across her chest and raising a skeptical eyebrow. "You thought we were going to go back to playing like little girls? I have a kingdom to run, I haven't the time to-"

"Then where are you getting the time to go lurking about hunting me down at odd hours of the night?!"

"Anna, this isn't the place to be-"

"No, I'm not done. I get you're busy, I get you've got a kingdom to run, but the Elsa I knew wasn't like this. The Elsa I knew took time out of her job for herself, the Elsa I knew talked to me. Remember when we went _skating_ Elsa? _Skating_! Why don't we do that anymore? Where did that person go?" Anna wasn't shouting anymore. Now she was just trying to keep the tears from her eyes.

"Anna..." Elsa whispered. She was sure that the next day she would be going over this conversation a thousand times, trying to figure out just what part of what Anna had said had disarmed her so viciously. Her fists were clenching and relaxing as she thought of something to say.

"-Like...it's really alright if you want me to go, I'll just slip out past you and be on my way...-"

Finally she settled on a question. "Anna is...is this what all...all this is about?" She motioned to the objects lying on the floor. "Are you...?"

Anna sighed. "No, Elsa. This isn't about you. This is about me wanting to go out and try new things. This is about me trying to have fun."

Elsa buried her head in her palms, sliding her hands down her face in exasperation. "Of all the ways to have fun, Anna...don't you think this is overdoing it a bit?"

"Elsa, what do you know about having fun?"

Elsa looked up. "Hey now, I know plenty about having fun, don't try and turn that around on me!"

"And I was right about Hans," she added.

"Just like I'm right about fun. You don't have any, I bet you can't remember the last time you had fun."

"What?! Yes I can, it was-"

"That time we went ice skating," Anna finished smugly. "Which was _ages_ ago, see?"

How on earth could Anna turn being wrong into a victory?

"Look," the younger girl continued, "all I'm saying is, maybe we _all_ need to loosen up a little."

Elsa sighed in defeat. "I will...admit to being somewhat testy these past few weeks-"

"Months."

"Months, fine. Perhaps I have been devoting myself to my work a little too avidly. I'm sure it couldn't hurt to...maybe take some time off for myself."

Anna squealed with delight.

"Don't go getting all excited Anna. We still need to have a talk about this verdant abomination you've been hoping to partake in-"

"-A talk which I'm sure I don't need to be around for, if you two ladies could just shuffle aside somewhat-"

"-and don't think I'm happy about you getting into my good wine, either. I'd been saving that."

"Elsa," Anna rolled her eyes though her good temper remained unfaltering, "you don't even drink."

"I might someday. That bottle had another forty years of flavor I'd hoped for it to gather! And you don't just gulp it down straight from the bottle Anna! You have to let it breathe!" Elsa wouldn't have been surprised if Anna hadn't even made any disgusting gargling noises while drinking it. Animal.

"Elsa," Anna laughed, "don't take this the wrong way, but for someone who can make ice appear out of nowhere, you may just be the most boring person on Earth."

"If poisoning the mind is your idea of 'interesting' then I have to say I absolutely _will_ take that the wro-hey, stop that! Is that a yawn you're stifling? That is not funny Anna!"

"It's a little funny," Kristoff supplied, confident that he wasn't going anywhere by this point.

"Look, Elsa, I'm not saying that alcohol is the way to getting you out of your cocoon of boredom, but what I _am_ saying is that-" Anna was interrupted by a small white cylinder that caught her eye.

An idea blossomed. A brilliant and terrible one.

Elsa followed her gaze. Then looked back up to Anna in confusion. Then back down.

And back up again.

Then she burst out laughing. It was a deep, cackling thing that reverberated down the hall behind her. "Oh Anna," she sighed, "you're convincing, I'll give you that, and you have adorable doe-eyes. But you would have to be delusional to think that you could ever, _ever_, in a million years convince me to-"

* * *

><p>"Oh gods what am I doing...?" Elsa whispered, staring down at the white paper between her trembling fingers.<p>

"Having _fun_!"

"Just take a moment to calm your nerves," Kristoff advised, crouched in front of her with an unstruck match. Elsa eyed it wearily.

"Are you sure fire is safe in a cramped closet made of mostly wood?" She asked uneasily.

"Your whole castle is made of wood," Kristoff said.

"Plus you can freeze it!" Anna called from her corner of the room, merrily working away at the bottle of wine. Her cheeks were already looking quite flushed. "Look, if you're really that nervous, come have some of this wine first. That's what I'm doing."

"No, thank you Anna," Elsa shot back, "I would rather my mind be clear so I can fully appreciate the pathetic depths to which I've sunken."

"Suit yourself."

"Alright, majesty," Kristoff tried to regain Elsa's attention, "before you inhale, try and just suck the smoke into your mouth. That'll let it cool down a bit and it won't hurt so much."

"What?! You didn't tell me this was going to hurt!" Elsa felt supremely betrayed.

"Elsa just...uh...cool the air down in-" Anna was interrupted by a hiccup, but persevered nonetheless, "in front of the cigarette. Like with your magic."

"Anna just how much of that wine have you had?"

Anna grinned. "A _fun_ amount!"

"I'm still not so sure I like the idea of you so inebriated while there aren't any sober chaperones around to-"

"_Fun_, Elsa!"

Elsa had lost this argument half an hour ago. "Yes, yes of course..."

Drunk Anna was going to be a slut, she just knew it.

"Okay, are we all ready?" Kristoff asked, regretting not calling dibs on the bottle himself before agreeing to babysit the two royal disasters.

"_Born ready!_"

"Wasn't talking to you Anna. At all. Elsa?"

"Born ready," came the meek reply, "minus the past majority of my life."

"Close enough," Kristoff struck the match across his own stubble, and Elsa had to force herself not to try and check on Anna's reaction to it.

Which was fortunate, for Anna was drooling. It was quite unladylike.

Holding the flame up to the cigarette, Kristoff gave her a nod, and Elsa bottled up everything she was, everything she knew, put it all somewhere deep inside her where it couldn't haunt her for what she was about to do, and inhaled.

Deeply.

"Alright," Kristoff said, waving the match out, "now hold it. Hoooold it."

He eyed the queen's face as it grew pink from exertion. She was doing surprisingly well. Kristoff cautiously took the cigarette from her fingers anyways.

"_Hooooooooooooold_ it," he chanced.

And she did.

Elsa's eyes were wide. Her throat was on fire. Her nose was assaulted by that telltale skunky smell. But she would hold it. The smoke would not come out. She would suppress the pain.

Conceal it.

Don't feel it.

Don't l-

Elsa's cough exploded out of her. She went down in a fit of expectoration.

Couldn't keep it in.

Heaven knows she tried.

Kristoff sat back and decided to just let himself enjoy the self-designated competition between whether or not Elsa could get her coughing under control before Anna could finish laughing.

In the end, Elsa won out. Anna was just too far gone.

"My word," she croaked, from her position on the floor.

Kristoff nodded. "You'll probably want about three or four more of those before you really start to feel it."

Truly, this plant had come from the garden of Satan himself.

"Whoa hey, don't get greedy Elsa!" Anna shouted, scooting closer and wiping the tears of mirth from her face with a sleeve, "I wanna go!"

"Anna, you're being extremely loud," Kristoff said.

"No I'm not!"

"Anna," Elsa choked out, beginning to sit up, "you're shouting."

"Sorry," the girl whispered, "but it's still totally my turn."

"Finally," Kristoff mumbled, exchanging the 'Devil's Lettuce' for the bottle of wine, which he upended immediately into his mouth.

"Hey..." Elsa's throat was still raw, "who said you could have any of that?"

Kristoff shrugged, taking a brief break from the bottle. "It's the least you can do while I babysit you two during your first highs. This is weird tasting whiskey by the way. Could stand to be a bit stronger."

Elsa groaned, and then again as Anna passed the little white cylinder back to her.

"Your turn," she breathed, smoke curling out of her mouth.

They were even breathing smoke. Could Lucifer not have a clearer claim on their souls?

Elsa's next hit went _okay_.

So did the one after that.

The fourth hit was where it occurred to her that she hadn't actually been taking turns with Anna, who had gone back to sharing the bottle with Kristoff and watching her.

"Heeyyy," Elsa mumbled, "you haven't been smoking at a-"

She sat there, her mouth open.

Anna glanced at Kristoff, who glanced back. They had been wondering why Elsa had been passing the cigarette between two hands and thanking herself each time. All in all, they figured, she had taken about seven or eight hits.

Elsa didn't move. She didn't have to. The world was coming to her, stretching slowly inwards like a collapsing aspect ratio.

All she had to do was enjoy the ride.

Anna snickered. "Her eyes are so red, this is amazing. Here, keep the bottle, I'm getting in on this." With that, and one false start where she overshot her aim, she plucked the still-smoking cannabis from Elsa's fingers.

Elsa didn't react.

"Christ she's gone," Kristoff muttered, happily attacking the remaining wine, which wasn't much. Especially for him.

Maybe if he was lucky, both girls would have the same reaction and he wouldn't have to do much babysitting besides rubbing their backs and carrying them to their chambers.

Anna had a much easier time smoking, having already gained some experience ruining her throat with liquor, and soon she was at the recommended dosage, in accordance with Doctor Kristoff.

Anna leaned back on her hands, waiting excitedly for the drug to take effect. She looked over to her sister, pretty face lost in whatever world she had journeyed to. Anna wondered for a second if maybe her magic was reacting poorly to her inebriation. She saw no hint of ice anywhere, but all the same there was no reason for Elsa to seem so lost.

This wasn't Salvia, for fuck's sake.

"Hey Elsa," Anna hissed, smile on her face at the chance to tease her older sister in her vulnerable state. "Hey, what does being high feel like?"

Elsa's opened mouthed expression remained the same. Her shoulders were slouched and legs tucked in and splayed slightly beneath her. Her whole body was lax.

Slowly, every so slowly, she began leaning to the left towards Anna.

Anna giggled. "Uuh, Elsa? You there?"

Elsa continued leaning, body drawing closer and closer to Anna.

"Hey Elsa, I asked you a question?"

Elsa leaned gently up against Anna, shoulder to shoulder, her cheek gently pressing against Anna's cheek, both girl's faces staring dead ahead of them.

"__We shall see that at which dogs howl in the dark___, and that at which cats prick up their ears after midnight._"

Anna sweat bullets. Then she was high.

"Kristoff...I'm so scared," she whispered, control over her panic lessening by the second.

Kristoff raised the empty bottle of wine. "You uh...got any more of these lying around?"

* * *

><p>When Kristoff returned five hours later with a fresh bottle of something definitely stronger, he could hear Anna and Elsa's voices drifting from under the door. Fortunately, the candle was still going strong.<p>

"-so sometimes I'll just sit up late at night and think about how I _am_ the winter, you know?"

"I so know."

"And then all of these representatives are coming in complaining about low cod levels and the economy and it's like...I could make there be _so few _cod out there."

"You could, it's true."

"I could just make all the fish freeze and then where would we be?"

"It'd be pretty bad."

"But then like...I'm also the queen, you know?"

"I so know. I'm the princess!"

Kristoff reluctantly pushed the door open, not surprised at all when he was ignored.

"Which is so weird," Anna went on, "because like I can just do whatever I want."

"You can't do _anything_ you want," Elsa corrected, not sure she liked where this was going.

"No, but like technically I could, for the most part, get away with anything and only have it result in a bad rumor at best," Anna said, turning and sending a welcoming smile Kristoff's way. "Like I could just go out and find someone and do whatever I wanted to them."

Elsa's brow furrowed. God damn it, she'd been right all along. Anna was a slut and it was all her fault.

"Hey," Kristoff interrupted, "you forgot we brought this." He gave a light, underhand toss that sent something Anna's way.

Anna's arms flopped uselessly in her lap. A chocolate bar hit her square in the face, sliding slowly off her chin and into her lap.

"Oh god," Anna moaned, looking down at the chocolate, "I wish all good things could happen to me like that."

_No no no no no no no_

"So uh, Kristoff," Elsa wondered, hopeful to change the topic, "what kept you so long?"

Kristoff raised an eyebrow. Good as it was to see the queen regain the ability to talk...

"I've only been gone for two minutes."

Elsa nodded slowly, not quite sure how that was possible, and turned back to studying the wall in front of her.

Something smooth was pressed into her hand. She instinctively placed it in her mouth. Chocolate.

She studied the wall in front of her again. She had just finished memorizing the knots in the wood but realized she'd already forgotten. Maybe she could relearn them. Again.

Elsa looked back down at her hand, and then over to Anna who was chewing thoughtfully.

"Hey uh...are you gonna share any of that?" She wondered.

Anna looked over, swallowing with a hard gulp. "What happened to the piece I gave you?"

Elsa looked down at her hands. They were empty. She looked back up into Anna's eyes.

"You gave me a piece of chocolate?"

The two girls stared at each other. Anna broke first, her expression forming a grin that Elsa mimicked. Then a snigger, then mild giggling, and shortly after the two were laughing so hard they weren't even making noise anymore.

Anna finally peeled herself off the floor a good two hours later. Elsa was still leaned back against the wall, staring at the far side of the room. Anna shifted her gaze over to Kristoff.

"Whoa, if you're not gonna make any headway on that whiskey pass it here," she commanded, hand outstretched.

Kristoff held the bottle out. Anna leaned in to grasp it.

Her hand was slightly off target, so she readjusted.

Still off. Another readjustment.

She inched closer.

Still off. But getting there.

Almost.

Aaaalmost.

Kristoff rolled his eyes and leaned forward to put the bottle in her hand. "Just take it," he told her.

"Wait," Anna said, letting her fingers close slowly around the bottle. "Waaait...I don't have it it..."

An agonizing minute passed.

"Okay I've got it. You can let go."

Kristoff had let go before Anna had even started talking.

Anna smiled up at him. "Thanks."

The silence was interrupted by her stomach growling. It was a loud stomach growl, the kind that only happens in stories.

Anna looked down at her stomach, realizing for the first time just how hungry she was.

Elsa turned over at the noise, watching Anna look up from her belly to smile up at Kristoff.

"Looks like chocolate's not _all_ I wanna stuff in my face right now."

That _harlot_!

"I don't know a lot about castles, but I can guarantee that the kitchen staff is in bed right now, like most normal people are," Kristoff pointed out.

Anna looked devastated. "B-but there has to be food...I'm so hungry for smoked eel..."

Oh god it was happening right before her very eyes. Maybe she could salvage the situation.

"There might be krumkake stored away somewhere," Elsa tried weakly.

Anna brightened up. "Okay, scratch that, I'm hungry for krumkake!"

_You sure that's _all_ you're hungry for?!_

"I'm not sure I want to stand up right now. We've still got another couple hours before the night's over, right?" Elsa asked, hoping not to have to move her legs. Everything was so serene and peaceful the way it was.

"But just think about how _hungry_ you are Elsa!" Anna pleaded.

Elsa took a moment to consider her stomach. It stretched before her senses, a yawning pit, a cavernous singularity within her being that sought to swallow up all of creation. No chocolate could fill this want. No waffle cookie could sate this yearning.

"Let's wake the staff."

* * *

><p>"Anna. Anna!" Kristoff hissed, grabbing the redhead by the back of the collar. "What did I say about wandering off?!"<p>

Anna held up a finger. "Stick together," she recited proudly. Then her face fell. "But I wanted to climb to the roof..."

"I thought you were hungry?"

"Oh god you're right, I'm so hungry...I need meat so badly right now."

Elsa grit her teeth, trying to focus on remembering the way to Kai's room. Before they had left the storage closet, Kristoff had managed to produce more of the accursed plant, and Elsa and Anna had fallen back into psychological disarray.

When they had finally been walking on for a good half hour after that, Anna's face lit up in recognition of their surroundings.

"Alright," Elsa whispered, "now Kai's usually a bit grumpy when he wakes up so we have to be di...uh...diplo...we have to be extra nice."

Pushing the door open gently, Elsa let Anna slink in under her arm before walking into the room herself. Kristoff opted to stay behind, out in the torchlit halls. The two of them crept up to Kai's sleeping form, careful not to make a sound. Elsa tried to remind herself she was the queen, and that skulking about did not suit her. She put on her most regal expression as she approached Kai. She cleared her throat.

Kai snorted, emerging from his slumber. Slowly he returned to earth, shifting about in his bed. Two tired eyes gradually opened.

The queen Elsa of Arendelle stared down at him in all her majesty. Shoulders thrown back, stance straight, her own eyes aflame with intensity.

"Kai," she commanded, voice brooking no defiance.

"We're gonna need more eels."

* * *

><p>"Wakey wakey," Kai called, entering the kitchen staff's chambers with a loud, commanding voice and the clapping of his hands. He was greeted by the sounds of general discontentment and one or two 'fuck off's. Aside from the general stirring his interruption had caused, nobody made any move to get out of their bunks.<p>

"Queen's orders everyone, we have a situation." This was met with more cussing. Someone threw a book at him, which missed.

"Kai what in god's name are you going on about?" Someone groaned. "This better be good, or we're serving you in a beurre blanc sauce tomorrow."

"Gentlemen, the time has come," Kai announced. "This is the moment you have all been training for. We need, and I am quoting here, 'all the food you can make, as fast as you can make it'."

"Why? What army has arrived that could possibly be in need of all the food in the castle?"

Kai shut every last ounce of pride in his soul away, willing himself onwards. "It would seem that her royal majesty, queen Elsa of Arendelle, the Heart of Winter and Scourge of Warmth..."

He took a deep breath.

"Is tripping almighty balls in the dining room."

There was silence.

Maybe he could quit when this was all done. Find himself some nice beach somewhere as far away from snow as possible.

Kai sighed. "She's also said you could help yourselves to food as recompense for the inconvenience."

The head chef leaned forward slowly from where he sat up in his bed. His grizzled features cast fierce shadows across his face as it entered the light spilling in from the doorway.

His wide, piercing red eyes bore holes into Kai's own.

"We're gonna need more eels."

* * *

><p>"Oh my god it's been five hours already, why is this taking so long?" Anna whined. She glanced back at the door to the servant's area for the thousandth time, legs swinging restlessly under her chair.<p>

Across from her sat Kristoff, one elbow resting against the table, supporting the hand his head rested in. The other hand was lowering the bottle of whiskey, which thudded on the table. Kristoff liked this whiskey, it was good whiskey. He could respect a good whiskey. He slid the bottle across the table to Anna, who grabbed it and took a swig.

"You know we just got here, right?" Kristoff pointed out. "The kitchen staff probably hasn't even made it to the kitchen yet, assuming they're going to at all."

"They'd better. I'm so hungry."

"So I've heard."

Anna huffed out her impatience. Had she known the seconds would stretch out the way they did, she might have taken the precaution of having the food prepared _before_ she partook.

Kristoff buried his head in his other hand, guilt suddenly overwhelming him. "I can't believe we got your sister high...why did we do that?"

"Cause she needed it," Anna retorted, pondering another gulp of whiskey. "There's no harm in letting loose once in a while."

"I got the _queen_ high. What was I thinking?! I'm a monster! Look at her, she's a mess. She's supposed to be running the country, being responsible, making responsible decisions..."

"Oh come on Kristoff, she's still Elsa. She's come back from worse."

"You mean like the North Mountain?"

"Exactly. In fact, I guess you could say this isn't the..." Anna leaned in.

"Don't do it Anna."

"_Highest_ she's ever been."

"Your majesty, what's the official policy on spanking the pri-" Kristoff froze as he looked over at the empty chair at the end of the table.

Elsa was gone.

"Dammit Elsa!" He grunted, jumping to his feet. "Stay here, don't move from this spot, I'm going to go find her."

Anna grinned up at him. "I wouldn't distance myself from food for anything in the world."

Kristoff nodded, then sped off in search of the queen, cursing under his breath.

Anna maintained her dopey smile for a moment. Then...

"Hey wait what was that about spanking?"

* * *

><p>Elsa was, in fact, curled up in the corner of a spare room, shaking and trying to stop the world from spinning.<p>

What had she done? She had set out that night on a mission of chastity, to uphold the goodness in the world. How on earth had she been dragged down the road to temptation? Why was it every time she tried to open up she wound up alone and in tears?

Or was that every time she tried to close herself off? Maybe there was no happy middle ground for her. Maybe she was doomed to be wretched and miserable no matter how she tried to live, forever keeping her power at bay and watching the world go along its merry way without her. Taking Anna with it.

Anna. Anna who was no doubt a few illicit rendezvous away from speeding off to a far away honeymoon leaving Elsa to try to manage the kingdom on her own.

Not that Anna ever helped manage the kingdom.

But she made all the difference in the world.

Anna. Anna who had given her chocolate earlier. What did chocolate even smell like? Was there a point in her life that she had smelled chocolate? She knew she had said so during her coronation with Anna, but had she really smelled chocolate? How high did you have to be for chocolate to have a smell?

Anna had smelled chocolate. Maybe Anna had always been a little bit high. It would put so much in perspective, although Elsa wasn't sure it was going to replace her theory that Anna had been dropped on her head as a child.

A lot.

Perhaps Idun had mistaken Anna for a squash ball.

Elsa wondered what Idun would say about her now. Probably not much. Her mother had rarely ever spoken. Her father, however, would have plenty to say.

"_Use it, don't abuse it, don't let it snow,_" Agdar's spiritual voice washed over her.

Fuck you dad.

Then again, her father had been the one to order the gates closed. With closed gates, none of the filth of the outside world could get in. None of the devil weed would have found its way to her, wrought with sinful machinations.

Marijuana was a gateway drug they said.

It was all making sense now...

Elsa was torn out of her musings by a polite knock on the door. She scrunched her eyes tighter, burying her head in her arms and willing herself not to make a noise.

No one could know!

"Elsa?" Came a voice. "Elsa, I know you're in here."

No he didn't, he was definitely lying.

"There is frost coating the door, Elsa."

Damn it.

"What do you want, Kristoff?" Elsa asked meekly, not moving from where she was curled up.

"Elsa, look, I'm sorry you're high. I don't know you very well, but I'm sure I know you well enough to guess that you're probably in the middle of totally reevaluating your life. That's fine, you do that, but we need you back at the dinner table."

"I'm not hungry anymore."

"Yes you are. You're lying and we both know it."

"...Maybe I'm lying a little bit. But I still need to be here with my feelings a little longer."

"Elsa, you've been here for over three hours now."

"I have a lot of feelings."

"Anna says she misses you when you're not around."

"Anna starts missing me the second she blinks."

"Exactly, why would you leave someone like that alone?"

"She's not alone, she has food..." Elsa knew it was a lost cause. And Kristoff had made a good point. No matter what, Anna would always be there for her. She would always want Elsa around. She had braved mountains of snow and ice for her. The least she could do was let the girl have her fun...

Elsa's face sunk regardless. If Anna married Kristoff, would they have to invite trolls to the wedding?

Would they start filling the townsfolk with strange ideas about reindeer? She considered herself a fair ruler, but there was only so liberal one could get with their love of agriculture before she had to draw the line.

Making a mental note to append some extra limitations to the laws on animal husbandry, Elsa dragged herself back to the present.

"Look, Kristoff, I just...I have a lot to think about..."

"C'mon, there's no point in fretting over your worries now."

"But what if everyone finds out?! What if they _know_?!"

Kristoff rolled his eyes where Elsa couldn't see them. "Everyone has already found out, remember? You woke up the entire kitchen staff."

Big mistake.

"Oh god oh god oh god they know they all know now they know!"

Kristoff looked desperately for a way to salvage the situation. "Hey," he tried, "on the bright side, it's not the worst thing anyone's ever found out about you, right?"

Elsa burst into tears. "Oh god I'm a monster!"

Kristoff thumped his head against the door. It had never been more clear than now that his calling in life was tearing ice apart.

"Elsa...can you please come out?"

"No!"

"Elsa."

"I said no."

"_Elsa._"

"...Okay..." she whimpered. It was a struggle getting to her feet.

A few minutes later, the door opened. Elsa looked up at Kristoff, eyes puffy and cheeks wet.

"You're a disaster," he told her.

"Don't talk to your queen like that," she sniffed, brushing past him.

Kristoff followed her until it became clear even to him that she was going the wrong way.

Back on track, they continued in silence. There was something gnawing at his mind, a question he had to ask Anna's sister but knew he couldn't.

Shouldn't.

And yet there they were, each under their own influences. Maybe she would forget by the next day.

"Um...Elsa," he started nervously. "There's uh...something I've been meaning to ask you this past little while..."

Elsa looked up at the man beside her. She released a slow, shaky breath. "I...there is something I had wanted to ask you too, Kristoff...it's somewhat personal, so I'll understand if you don't want to..."

"No, no, it's fine, mine's ah...a bit personal as well."

"Alright, um, well," Elsa took a deep breath.

Kristoff took a deep breath.

"Is Anna a slut?" They both asked in unison.

There was a pause. They had stopped walking.

"Oh," Kristoff finally broke the silence.

"Right then," Elsa wasn't sure how to proceed from here.

"So uh...I guess we just answered each others question?"

Elsa nodded, her eyes narrowing slightly. "Yes let's...let's just assume that never happened."

Kristoff nodded his agreement, swallowing thickly. "From either of us."

"Yes."

"Yeah..."

The rest of the walk continued in silence.

Anna was in tears when they finally arrived, but the first thing Elsa actually noticed were the piles of food. There was more smoked eel than she was sure she knew what to do with. She certainly hoped Anna didn't know what to do with it.

Anna looked to them as they approached, stifling a sniffle. "I'm so happy," she whispered, eyes moving back to the food, "but so scared..."

* * *

><p>"Kai," Elsa giggled, finally finding a moment to step away from the engrossing conversation at the dinner table to have a word with the exhausted manservant. "Kai a word?"<p>

Kai groaned inwardly. Actually, he raged inwardly. Kai was a reserved man with an inner volcano.

"Yes, majesty? I trust second dinner was to your liking?"

"It _was_, I'm stuffed!" Elsa said excitedly.

"Very good, majesty."

"I might even go for fourths! I wish this night would last forever."

"Mmh, and here I thought your majesty had already had her fill of the salad."

"But Kai, I have something to tell you," Elsa smiled.

Kai tried not to roll his eyes. "Could I ever guess in a million years?"

Elsa nodded happily back. "Yes!" Her expression fell, but only somewhat. "I think you may have..."

"I can only hope your majesty does not make a habit of it."

"I'm sure I won't. Uhm, listen..." Elsa struggled to get her thoughts back on track. "What was it I was going to mention..."

"A raise," Kai supplied helpfully. "For myself and the kitchen staff."

"Yes!" Elsa laughed again. Kai was fairly certain she had gotten into the bottle as well by this point. "Because uh...this can't leave the castle."

"You may rest assured it won't. We are professionals, ma'am, we exercise the utmost discretion."

Elsa nodded, far too blitzed to be suspicious. "I'm especially worried for Anna's reputation though..."

"Ah, remind me again which reputation that might be?"

Elsa began leaning to the side towards Kai, sliding gently against the wall. "I would really appreciate it if we were all especially tight lipped..."

"Tight lips may be a problem where she is concerned."

"Regarding her highness's..." Elsa continued sliding towards Kai.

"Your majesty...you mustn't..."

"Er..."

"I implore you, please don't say it-"

"High-ness." Elsa was gently resting against the shoulder of the mortified Kai, wide, open mouthed grin adorning her face.

Kai's face looked beyond devastated. Elsa's smile remained unfaltering.

"Please don't quit," she whimpered.

* * *

><p>"See?" Anna purred contentedly against the table, "I told you this was a great idea."<p>

"You told me I was boring," Elsa pointed out, head similarly seated a few inches away from her empty plate.

"I asked you not to take that the wrong way!"

"How was I supposed to _not_ take that the wrong way?!"

"Whatever," Anna huffed, turning her head to the other side to look at Kristoff. "I would've taken it the right way. I could take _anything_ the right way."

Elsa had to bite her lip to stop herself from loudly accusing Anna of a life of strumpethood.

"I'll admit, you were right though," Elsa said, "this evening has been...most agreeable..."

Anna lifted her head up, shifting down the long bench to wrap Elsa in a warm hug. "I know you could do it. I love you so much Elsa, please don't ever shut me out like that again."

"I won't," Elsa promised, her voice a whisper, nuzzling her head against Anna's shoulder. How could she have ever doubted Anna? How could she have ever tried to reign such a free spirit in?

Anna released Elsa and yawned. "I'm tired. I'm glad we finally got you to loosen up a little, though. Maybe we can do this again sometime."

Elsa nodded, feeling pretty sleepy herself. She was glad Anna had gotten her to come out of her shell a little. She had had so much fun. She knew all this over-protectiveness would have to come to an end then. Anna was not to be stifled. She was a pure, kind, decent, warm hearted-

"Though, I could maybe do with a little _more_ loosening up before bed."

-salacious cock-mongering trollop!

Kristoff looked in the pouch he had brought. "Yeah, I think we've got enough."

After some discussion, Elsa relented and allowed them to dishonor the dining area. They sat around the table, occasionally snacking on leftover eel and various deserts as they managed one last round of smoking, and a few more rounds of drinks. By the end of it, Elsa was fairly certain she was never going to be sober again, but she kept the thought to herself in case saying it aloud made it true.

"So why haven't your powers come out?!" Anna slurred. "I thought they came out for stuff like this!"

"Like this," Elsa asked, looking at her hands in case that was where she should be looking. "I dunno, usually it's when I'm stressed. Right now I'm relaxed, so I make normal accidents like falling over. When I'm not relaxed, I make magic accidents...like Olaf?"

Anna looked shocked, "what?! But why would you say he's an accident?! He's Olaf!"

"Anna have you _met_ Olaf? He has accident written all over him," Kristoff said.

"Kristoff's right, Olaf is...," Elsa mumbled, the world spinning. "I mean, I love him, but...he was never meant to be. He was a slight of magic... a spur of the moment thing."

"But he's Olaf!" Anna reaffirmed. "He's cute and adorable and funny!"

"He's an abomination Anna."

"He likes warm hugs..."

"I played in God's domain and now I face the consequences."

Anna huddled up on the bench. "Warm hugs," she murmured, comforting herself. Then she yawned.

Then Elsa yawned.

Then Kristoff didn't yawn.

Within a few minutes, the two girls were snoring gently on the table.

"Uuh...guys?"

"Kristoff?" Anna mumbled, "can you carry me back to my room? I'm too tired..."

Not on Elsa's watch. Elsa tried to lift her head in protest. Or to offer to escort. Or anything.

She was way too high.

"Me too," she managed.

* * *

><p>"Who goes there?!" Came the guard's challenge at the burly man approaching from the dark.<p>

"Just me, Kristoff" the man said. The guard felt himself relax. Kristoff was a regular nighttime visitor of the princess's.

Until he saw the queen and princess's bottoms, perched atop each of the large man's shoulders, over which the two women were slung.

"Explain yourself!" He commanded, hand going to his sword.

Kristoff sighed, turning around for the thousandth time to let the queen face her guard.

"It's okay," the queen murmured contentedly, "it's just bed, it's okay...I want this to happen don't worry. At ease."

The guard's eyes only grew wider, but he stood aside and let the large man pass. As he did, the guard could hear the queen and princess drowsily making conversation.

"My stomach hurts," the princess whined, "how much longer till we're there?"

"Not much longer," Kristoff growled.

"Okay...it'll probably hurt way more by tomorrow anyways..."

The queen sighed. "Anna..." She asked, "are you a slut?"

The princess was already falling asleep against Bjorgman's back.

"No," she purred, "not yet..."

When they were long out of earshot, the guard became aware of one of his comrades standing beside him, having caught up on the beat. The two stared down at the distant sight of the two beautiful women atop the mountain man's shoulders.

"God damn..." the new guard whispered to him, "that shit just ain't fair."

He nodded. Some men had all the luck.

* * *

><p>When Elsa was finally alone in her room, she was all but panicking. The old fears had come back, the regrets and worries clinging to the darkness, as if waiting for her to finally be alone to pounce. She paced back and forth in her chambers, wringing her hands as frost gathered against the window.<p>

How could she have let herself fall prey to such wicked temptation? She was a queen, blessed with fortitude and strength from the Almighty himself. It wouldn't do. It simply wouldn't do. If she was susceptible to the plant, her loyal subjects could no doubt be taken by force. It would be a stain on her society she could not accept!

Armed with the fire of righteousness that burned within her, she found her pen and paper and began to write. She would strike this foul weed from her country through the iron fist of the _law_. There would be no home for it here. The gates of Arendelle would be forever closed to cannabis.

Hemp business be damned!

After hours upon hours of writing, she finally sat back. What she had wrote, she was sure, would be good. It would be just and bring prosperity to the land.

And with that, and the sigh of one with a heavy burden, she fell upon her bed and into a deep sleep.

* * *

><p>And the next day, when she awoke to a peaceful, calm mood and a wicked thirst, she lay in bed for hours, pondering herself and her life and her choices.<p>

She had Anna. She would always have Anna, which was a nice thought. Anna would be a constant, a source of stability even if the girl herself was as predictable as wildfire. And her staff was good, and her powers were as under control as they needed to be. One night of debauchery, it seemed, hadn't been enough to condemn her to the pits of hell.

Elsa finally arose from her bed. Moving over to the desk, she took a curious glance down at the extensive restrictions she had outlined the night before.

Her brow furrowed in confusion. She lifted the paper, turning it around to the other side. It was blank. She turned it back to the first side and reread the text there.

_Recipe For Smoked Eel:_

_-1 Eel_

_-1 Smoke_

Elsa put the paper down and smiled. She went to go wake Anna and Kristoff.

It would do.

**The End**

* * *

><p><strong>Original Prompt:<strong>

**"how about just Anna, Elsa and Kristoff hanging out in the throne room after-hours?**

**Elsa's high**  
><strong>Kristoff's drunk<strong>  
><strong>Anna's both high and drunk"<strong>


End file.
